My hair has reached the "Salt n' Peppa" phase before I metamorphose into a "silver fox", My back hurts in the morning before I have gotten out of bed but seems to rejuvenate like the Tin Man after a cup of coffee, and I have a young child and a teenager that I know I Love a lot because they annoy the shit out of me every chance they get and yet I still hang out with them every chance I get.
But I look at people my age and older and see something that I don't have... besides money.
I see parents who love to be around other parents despite having nothing in common other than their kids liking each other. I see people who maybe one night a year dress like they did when they were in high school to go see a band that only has one original member perform hits they wrote 20 years ago. I see women posting things like this picture from RueLala on Facebook and then expecting me to treat them like intelligent creatures.
At what point am I supposed to stop following my instincts and just get in line to die? At what point am I supposed to forget that Brett Favre left "That. You'll. Never. Get. Laid. In." off the end of "Real. Comfortable. Jeans."? At what point will my own thoughts and actions become so incredibly boring that I will join the game of "Dolls" that people play using their kids.
"Hunter took his first poop on the potty today!"
"Oh really? Well, Sasha went down the slide without anyone helping her."
Oh really? Well I think it would be a great story if Sasha slid down the slide into a giant shit Hunter had taken at the bottom of it. That's the difference that I'm talking about.
I like when people trip and fall. I like getting drunk at parties. I thinks farts equal funny. The attendant at a kid's birthday party told me I was too big for the ball pit and I told him to stop checking out my crotch. Not because I was trying to be an asshole, because it was honestly the first thing that came to mind. While I was typing this I giggled inside when I typed the words "ball pit". I don't even know why.
I know some of you will probably chalk it up to it immaturity, but I disagree. I have plenty of thoughts and instincts that I know don't jive with the youngsters. I don't collect action figures and read comic books like some modern day Trekker... or is it Trekkie? Anyway, I get that there is a difference between being young at heart and being a child.
I also question things like what happened to musicians that wrote songs and played instruments? New York, London, Paris, Munich, Everybody's talkin' bout Pop Music... and Lady Gaga. But if you you are old(er) then you should know that Lady Gaga is to Madonna what The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 is to The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.
Speaking of movies, I remember when I saw a movie and thought about it for months. I would watch it over and over again and never get sick of it. I remember seeing Stand By Me and thinking how the message and feel of the film could be relevant in any decade. Now I feel like I was wrong. My 14 year old son wants Transformers and I want The Terminator. Substance has been replaced by CGI the way that board games have been replaced by "Apps". Its a "think for me" world instead of a "think about it" world. A world where distractions trump discussions and its far from "interactive" despite that word being bandied about on all electronics.
I realize that I like to talk about music and movies and cool places I've travelled to and weird things I've seen. I talk about them with the same informed passion that I did 20 years ago and can just as easily talk about Led Zeppelin and Kurtis Blow as I can Kanye West and The Black Keys. I also noticed that when people know way too much about the world of finance I tend to drown them out like Susan Smith in a Chuck E. Cheese. I'm not saying that things like money and greed aren't good hobbies, but when is the last time you took a girl on a date to the NYSE? I bet you remember every word to your favorite song from the summer you had your first kiss, but can't remember the exact value of your 401K three Tuesdays ago. If I'm wrong, then you are probably wearing Wranglers right now and having a bromance with Mr. Personality, Mitt Romney, while your trophy wife is masturbating on the gearshift of her Mercedes crossover and fantasizing about you getting a promotion.
And women, just because your tits have been reduced to baby bottles doesn't mean you should let those little parasites suck the personality out with the milk. I am starting to think that all women are like Fun Bobby and that it was the milk that made Fun Bobby so fun. Being a Mom is, I imagine, really cool. Being a "Stay at Home Mom" has been called "the hardest job" presumably by no one other than housewives. I stay at home during the day, too. The reason I know its not the hardest job is because people with hard jobs aren't on Facebook all day. I actually think my job of writing is harder than a mom's because the stuff I write on Facebook doesn't sound like it came from someone with late stage dementia. "Nothing like chicken soup" and "I hate traffic" are not things the world needs to know on Facebook, Twitter, or anywhere else. Stop embarrassing yourself! At least plagiarize a line from a movie or a book so that your friends don't have to worry about your mental state. Use all that Staying at Home to stay in touch with what's going on in the world or later in life you'll be staying at home because nobody wants to stay in touch with you.
Deep. I know.
The point is that its far more immature to live vicariously through your children than to act like one. Really growing up means not getting embarrassed by anything you do including your mistakes because you realize that everyone makes them; even the "cool kids". Growing up has nothing to do with money or material possessions because you can be Justin Beiber and have all that. Growing up is being able to do whatever you want and actually doing it... UNLESS it interferes with other people's happiness. And make no mistake, you being boring is interfering with other people's happiness. So grow the fuck up and start having fun again.
Class dismissed.
AM
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