Keeping Up with the Car Crashians

The Kardashians. Who the fuck are they?


Apparently they are the children of Bruce Jenner. I haven't actually verified this and don't plan to, but its what I've been told by one of my "reliable sources". Ironically I'm at an age where kids will say "Who the fuck is Bruce Jenner?", but at least he is famous for actually doing something. 

So, aside from the obvious question of "Why the fuck is their last name not Jenner?" my mind went straight to the question of "Why is their name in front of my face every single time I click on a supposed news web site?" (or is it website?). Are they athletes? Are they actresses? Are they aliens from another planet? What the hell is so fucking special about these chicks that I need to know about every little thing they do? So I Googled "Kardashian" just to see what would come up. 


The first thing was an article entitled Kim Kardashian Keeps Up With Herslf by Reading Google Alerts on Her Own Name which instantly made me think "Wouldn't it be interesting if she got raped?". That way her next thousand Google alerts about herself would make her understand how my intelligence feels every time I see her name in the news. The second Google listing was Kim Kardashian Flaunts Famous Booty in Skin Tight Jeans, which I masturbated to, and the third article that came up was President Obama is About to Start a War with Iran that will Bankrupt America and Start World War III and You're Fucking Googling The Kardashians? Asshole!

Although her "booty" did in fact look "bangin" in those "low ridas", I find it hard to believe that I live in a time and place where this is considered news. I mean, talking about a girl's ass in some tight jeans is totally cool with me and girls wearing tight ass jeans for me to stare at is preferable as long as you don't look like you're baking a muffin, but I want entertainment and journalism to be thought provoking. I want it to inspire me to learn more like when I read a good book and have to look words up in the dictionary or thesaurus. Its sad that a show like Arrested Development gets cancelled because it "can't find an audience" but a show like Jersey Shore is thriving. It bothers me that while I contemplate new menu items to add to my repertoire from Top Chef  my apetite is constantly ruined by commercials for The Real Housewives of Some Place. And... quickly while I'm on that topic, they're not real and they're not fucking housewives. That series should be called Real Bitches Everywhere, but that might be too confusing on a network like Bravo where even the guys are bitches.

Have we been so weened into the contrived social life of Facebook, Twitter, Linkdin, Tumblr, Google+, etc. that we even need our television shows to be fake social realities? These people are not your friends. I heard a girl the other day actually say "I feel so relieved that Sitch [sic] left the house". I thought, before prying into more of the conversation, that she was talking about a roommate or a boyfriend or maybe a pet leaving. In actuality she was rejoicing about how a retarded-future-ditch-digger-turned-awesome-roaster moving out of a contrived living arrangement on basic cable made her feel better in her REAL life. While she was releasing this sigh of relief on her friend who was walking with her they were both simultaneously molesting their iPhones as if a genie was going to pop out and grant their wish to be loved. It only got better when the one who was yapping walked right into a guy who was texting on his iPhone.

Look up!

There's a world that still exists outside of the internet and television. Not that it matters because we have internet porn. It used to be that people had to develop great personalities in order to get the ultimate prize in life. You went to the gym, showered, made money, bought a nice car, went to bars and bought people drinks ALL in an effort to get naked with someone and rid yourself of the poison. Now sexual partners come in only two varieties, Windows or Mac, and anyone can have it. You can have it anywhere, too, thanks to mobile devices. And if you didn't have some sick fetish before the internet will invent one for you. Fisting? Yes. Vomiting? Check. Two Girls, One Cup? Of course. So why bother going out and actually trying to get a date in the real world when you can get a much better looking mate online? You don't have to buy them dinner or rehearse an inconvenient excuse to leave when its done. You can "supersize" that Whopper "extra value meal" without having to worry about your "supersize" belly cock blocking your "supersmall" dick. You can grow a big, bushy beard, wear a newsie cap, and carry a man purse. You can even get married without the fear of growing bored with your partner.

I get the idea of down time, the idea of turning ones brain off with "mindless entertainment". I understand that the world has become a very complex place and that we are all being extremely underpaid to do a lot more work than our parents did. We deserve an escape. The problem is that the escape has become the reality. This would normally be the part where I would bring up The Matrix, but I'm one of the few nerds who never saw that entire movie so I can't really postulate about it. I will stick with what I know and say that when a very wise man once said "Turn on, tune in, and drop out" I don't think he meant "Turn on your flatscreen, tune in to The Bachelor, and drop out of society". I've gotta wrap this up though. Californication is coming on and I forgot to set my DVR so I'll just leave it at this:

You will have plenty of time to live in an alternate reality created by electricity when you die. While you're here why not Turn off, Unplug, and Say "Hi"?

Class dismissed.


AM

Growed Up

At what point did you realize you were a grown up? I ask because I don't seem to have gotten the manual.

My hair has reached the "Salt n' Peppa" phase before I metamorphose into a "silver fox", My back hurts in the morning before I have gotten out of bed but seems to rejuvenate like the Tin Man after a cup of coffee,  and I have a young child and a teenager that I know I Love a lot because they annoy the shit out of me every chance they get and yet I still hang out with them every chance I get.

But I look at people my age and older and see something that I don't have... besides money.

I see parents who love to be around other parents despite having nothing in common other than their kids liking each other. I see people who maybe one night a year dress like they did when they were in high school to go see a band that only has one original member perform hits they wrote 20 years ago. I see women posting things like this picture from RueLala on Facebook and then expecting me to treat them like intelligent creatures.

At what point am I supposed to stop following my instincts and just get in line to die? At what point am I supposed to forget that Brett Favre left "That. You'll. Never. Get. Laid. In." off the end of "Real. Comfortable. Jeans."? At what point will my own thoughts and actions become so incredibly boring that I will join the game of "Dolls" that people play using their kids.

"Hunter took his first poop on the potty today!"

"Oh really? Well, Sasha went down the slide without anyone helping her."

Oh really? Well I think it would be a great story if Sasha slid down the slide into a giant shit Hunter had taken at the bottom of it. That's the difference that I'm talking about.

I like when people trip and fall. I like getting drunk at parties. I thinks farts equal funny. The attendant at a kid's birthday party told me I was too big for the ball pit and I told him to stop checking out my crotch. Not because I was trying to be an asshole, because it was honestly the first thing that came to mind. While I was typing this I giggled inside when I typed the words "ball pit". I don't even know why. 

I know some of you will probably chalk it up to it immaturity, but I disagree. I have plenty of thoughts and instincts that I know don't jive with the youngsters. I don't collect action figures and read comic books like some modern day Trekker... or is it Trekkie? Anyway, I get that there is a difference between being young at heart and being a child.

I also question things like what happened to musicians that wrote songs and played instruments? New York, London, Paris, Munich, Everybody's talkin' bout Pop Music... and Lady Gaga. But if you you are old(er) then you should know that Lady Gaga is to Madonna what The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 is to The Taking of Pelham One Two Three.

Speaking of movies, I remember when I saw a movie and thought about it for months. I would watch it over and over again and never get sick of it. I remember seeing Stand By Me and thinking how the message and feel of the film could be relevant in any decade. Now I feel like I was wrong. My 14 year old son wants Transformers and I want The Terminator. Substance has been replaced by CGI the way that board games have been replaced by "Apps". Its a "think for me" world instead of a "think about it" world. A world where distractions trump discussions and its far from "interactive" despite that word being bandied about on all electronics.

I realize that I like to talk about music and movies and cool places I've travelled to and weird things I've seen. I talk about them with the same informed passion that I did 20 years ago and can just as easily talk about Led Zeppelin and Kurtis Blow as I can Kanye West and The Black Keys. I also noticed that when people know way too much about the world of finance I tend to drown them out like Susan Smith in a Chuck E. Cheese. I'm not saying that things like money and greed aren't good hobbies, but when is the last time you took a girl on a date to the NYSE? I bet you remember every word to your favorite song from the summer you had your first kiss, but can't remember the exact value of your 401K three Tuesdays ago. If I'm wrong, then you are probably wearing Wranglers right now and having a bromance with Mr. Personality, Mitt Romney, while your trophy wife is masturbating on the gearshift of her Mercedes crossover and fantasizing about you getting a promotion.

And women, just because your tits have been reduced to baby bottles doesn't mean you should let those little parasites suck the personality out with the milk. I am starting to think that all women are like Fun Bobby and that it was the milk that made Fun Bobby so fun. Being a Mom is, I imagine, really cool. Being a "Stay at Home Mom" has been called "the hardest job" presumably by no one other than housewives. I stay at home during the day, too. The reason I know its not the hardest job is because people with hard jobs aren't on Facebook all day. I actually think my job of writing is harder than a mom's because the stuff I write on Facebook doesn't sound like it came from someone with late stage dementia. "Nothing like chicken soup" and "I hate traffic" are not things the world needs to know on Facebook, Twitter, or anywhere else. Stop embarrassing yourself! At least plagiarize a line from a movie or a book so that your friends don't have to worry about your mental state. Use all that Staying at Home to stay in touch with what's going on in the world or later in life you'll be staying at home because nobody wants to stay in touch with you. 

Deep. I know.

The point is that its far more immature to live vicariously through your children than to act like one. Really growing up means not getting embarrassed by anything you do including your mistakes because you realize that everyone makes them; even the "cool kids". Growing up has nothing to do with money or material possessions because you can be Justin Beiber and have all that. Growing up is being able to do whatever you want and actually doing it... UNLESS it interferes with other people's happiness. And make no mistake, you being boring is interfering with other people's happiness. So grow the fuck up and start having fun again.

Class dismissed.

AM

My First "Blog"

I wish I knew what I was doing.

I haven't read any blogs, so I have to assume that nobody will read mine. This is a mistake, however, on the part of the non-reader. If only they knew what they were missing. I actually feel saddened knowing that in the case of my blog, ReaLies, the old adage "You can't miss what you've never had" doesn't apply. That is unless you can't miss True Happiness.

So what is a blog?

The truth is that I don't really know and therefore, this "blog" will be interpretive, meaning I have no intention of researching other blogs to find out what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I will instead go under my old assumption that a blog is writing about whatever I feel like writing about without any formal training in writing, communications, or etiquette and with a very loose grasp on the correct use of punctuation or the English language.

I hope that will suffice.

In closing, I promise to make it entertaining.  The one thing that I DO know about other blogs is that they are excessively boring. Of course I can't prove this having never read one, but I can certainly imply it. Isn't that what media is all about these days anyways? Opinions based on hearsay? I hope so, because I should mention that I am very cutting edge and "current", thus moving forward I don't intend to check any facts (I believe they call that "fact checking" in the editing world) before I try desperately to influence your opinion.

If you, too want to stay current you'll read my weekly blog called ReaLies and you'll leave all the heavy thinking to me.

Class dismissed.

AM